Editorial: Freedom of the Press

Time for Equality is Now

            It is well known that our competitor for reporting news on campus is openly funded by the administration. While we at The Inquiry hold no grudge against anyone at our competitor, we do feel the system is set up to only broadly disseminate the news felt worthy by the financial backers of our competitor. We call for freedom of the press. If you, our readers, feel more important news is reported in here in The Inquiry we urge you to contact your floor senator and free the press at LeTourneau from outside influences. A great example was our story on Bigfoot. It was reported no where else on campus. Only days after we ran our story on students’ large hair, one of the students we interviewed actually cut it!  The Inquiry is the only news source on campus that works on this level and supplies you with the relevant and accurate information you need.

Female Materials Joining Major Has Mission

Claims Program Lacks “well-roundedness”

            A female freshman materials joining major has expressed her concern to the dean and the president about the completeness of that major. She points out that materials joining majors are not welding engineers anymore. She claims and The Inquiry has confirmed that the program does not have a single class or lab dedicated to sewing. The program offers courses in how to join many other materials according to professors in the field. “Sewing has not traditionally been a major area of interest for our students,” said one. According to the freshman, things still have to change. “We cannot fall behind in excellence if we are to be competitive on the job market. Sewing is an important part of joining materials.” A public opinion poll found strong support for the idea among engineering majors. “If it gets a girl in my engineering classes I’ll be happy,” said one respondent. However the addition is unlikely in the near future after the nurse’s office study concerning the increase of injuries to male students.

Okalahoma and California Students’ Hair Challenged

Big Hair “Obstructs Views, Diminishes Learning”

            Recent discussions in the Board of Trustees Meetings have centered on two students’ ridiculous hairdos. The subject has cause some concern in chapel and classes as students seated behind the two students have noted difficulty in seeing anything in front of them. The two students have not cut their hair since the 2^nd grade. One of them could not be reached for comment. The other simply responded, “It’s fatty. I like it.” While nothing in the handbook prevents such outlandishness, administration is hoping next month’s fire code and health inspections will order a remedy the problem.

Materials Professors Warned By Res-Life

Use of Questionable Term Violates Handbook Policy

            The Inquiry has learned that Engineering and Engineering Technology Professors have been given 30 days to cease using the term “necking” in their classes. Our source reveals that the term has cause no small consternation amongst Residence Life Staff. In one secretly recorded Res-Life meeting an Elementary Education major RA complained. “I came into a room and two of my girls are talking about ‘necking.’ When I confronted them about it, they had the nerve to tell me they were studying for an engineering class. Imagine that! What do LeTourneau engineers know about necking anyway?”

           A chaplain mentioned his concern upon hearing on his floor that “‘necking’ is critical in bonding.” “We have to maintain the moral high ground here,” he said. A leaked memo from the president’s office includes a warning to faculty to cease using the term citing the importance of “not causing the weaker brother to stumble.” Submissions for a new Christian term are being accepted in the engineering secretaries’ office through the end of the month.

Pack of Bigfoot Spotted By Pond

Credibility of Witnesses Questioned

            A group of Tyler students claim to have seen a large pack of Bigfoot by the pond last night about 2am. Witnesses say the Bigfoot carried one of their members and threw the beast into the pond while singing “Happy Birthday” at the top of their lungs. When questioned further, a spokesman for the witnesses declared, “You think we’re making this up? This was a herd of Sasquatch in the flesh! They threw the one in, fished it out, and then made off towards the Quads in a pick-up with Texas plates.” Asked why the group was even at the pond at 2am the spokesman replied, “Floor tradition. Can’t tell you.”

In Other Headlines…

Security Sees Rash of “Downright Irrational” Behavior

Dynamics Students Reportedly Acting Strangely As Project Ends